Space Ships and Cross-Eyed Women

Let me tell you some stories. Picture this: A windy blizzard in full force. It's 6:00 at night and dark out. Snow coming at your windshield horizontally, ceasing visibility beyond your headlights. A case of beer, coveralls and empty roads drifted shut. Cue JJ, Joe, Blazer, Jenny and Jimmy. The mission: drive the big John Deere tractor to the Baker shop downtown to push snow.

The evening begins with me, JJ and Jim crammed into the cab of the John Deere. The cab is all glass, making it impossible for the defrost to keep up with the condensation. This begins JJ's frustration. "God damnit! We should have done this earlier today when at least there was some damned daylight! Now I can't see a thing!" I tried to make the mood lighter by feeding him beer and telling him funny stories, but my charms were no match for his grumpiness. Jim sat uncomfortably at my feet, fogging up the glass in front of his face and trying not to move. With every car that came at us, JJ got more and more irritated. "Why are these stupid people out driving their cars around?!?" Just then, another car approached in the distance. The fogged windshield of the tractor blurred the view and JJ yelled out, "I mean seriously!! What the f*** is that? A f***ing space ship?!? Get off the road!" He was so serious and angry that he didn't realize how silly he sounded and I tried hard not to laugh out loud. Poor JJ.

Cut to the next scene. We have successfully dropped off the tractor and Joe and Blazer have picked us up in the Dodge. We have already stopped for dinner at a bar and for more beer at QT. We hit the rural roads and headed back to the farm. On R-45 we found a small car in the ditch-just as the conversation in the truck had turned to porn with cross-eyed women (seriously). The driver of the marooned car was a young lady who was, apparently, almost home. Blazer rolled down his window (he's riding shotgun; Joe is driving) to talk to the girl as JJ hopped out of the truck silently to find the chain in the back. The girl said her father way on the way to get her, but that she appreciated us stopping. Her phone rang and she answered it. "She's wearing porn star glasses!" Joe said to Blazer, just as the girl took her glasses off. Blazer looked at the girl and then back at Joe, his window still down (I'm pretty sure the girl heard him), and replied confusedly, "But she's not wearing any glasses!" We all break out in laughter just as JJ realizes the chain in the back of the truck doesn't have a hook on it, rendering it useless. The girl insisted she'd be fine, so we left, almost sliding the truck into her car as we pull away. Joe laughed heartily. "You know," Joe said to Blazer, "Porn movies start out like this." "Like what?" Asked Blazer. "Like with a girl on the side of the road wearing porn star glasses....that's how they start," says Joe. "Yeah," says Blazer, "but was she cross eyed?"

I think it was one of those "you-had-to-be-there" moments, but for those of you who know the characters in this story, it might provide some entertainment.